Online Friends and Virtual Pals

I know there's a lot of concern in the world today about the affect computers are having on society, how reliant we are becoming on them, how they are affecting our socialization skills, especially those of younger people who have over the years gone from interacting with others in group activities such as sports and clubs to spending more time in front of computer screens emailing, chatting, and social networking with people who are often strangers. I know there are dangers involved, but being of a slightly older generation (35+), I never thought I'd become so hooked myself or find that I could develop real online friendships. Or are they real? What is the definition of friendship? Can you be a friend to someone you have never seen? Is it possible that type of friendship could even be deeper than that with friends you see every day?

To answer these questions, I reflected on my own experience. As a librarian, I've been a member of online mailing list groups for a long time where I was able to discuss some of my interests in books, cats, and parenting. But two years ago, I ventured out into another online experience. I joined Second Life, a virtual world where not only could I talk to people, but I could see them, or at least the 3D graphical represenation of themselves that they call avatars. Even more fun, I could create an avatar of myself, dress her like a Barbie doll, name her, and even have her dance to the best steps that I haven't even mastered. I have to admit I was skeptical at first and quite confused. There is a much more difficult learning curve involved in participating in a virtual world versus joining a yahoo or Google group. After two years, I still can't build anything, but I am starting to arrange the furniture in my house better than I had when I first joined. I still have problems keeping up with multitasking my private IM's with open chat, but I'm also improving there.

It's strange for me to realize that I've made more online friends during my time in Second Life than I have in real life. Is that sad? I don't really think so. What does it say about me? I've always been a bit of a loner, shy and somewhat introverted. Throughout my life, reading and writing have been my favorite pasttimes, and you know they are rather solitary occupations. So maybe that's why a virtual world appeals to me. And yet, Second Life is anything but solitary. In fact, if it were solitary, you would be bored out of your mind. The whole idea is to mingle there, find something to do, and have fun. But it can be more than that if you want it to be. It can be a place to develop real friends.

When I joined Second Life, I was lucky in that I found out about a community of librarians who had started up a great group -- what was then Second Life Library 2.0 and is now the Alliance Virtual Library. Through this group, I became involved in writing about their news, events, and happenings (yes there are virtual newspapers and magazines and most of them are online, too). I opened up my own pet memorial center after my beloved cat, Floppy, died. People actually helped me build and design it. After some time, I heard about a library magazine that was just getting off the ground and decided to join its efforts. I have been working for them for a year and am now the publisher of RezLibris http://rezlibris.com/ I oversee a staff of ten, and I consider many of them my friends. We are all in touch practically daily through email or chat and meet in Second Life occasionally, too. Two of them gave me a hand when I had to relocate my virtual home, helping me set out furnishings and landscaping. One helped me create and maintains my real life website: http://www.debbiedelouise.com.

So getting back to my question about what constitutes a real friend. The definition of a friend to me is someone you can talk to, someone you enjoy being with, and someone who you know you can trust and who will help see you through the hard times, who will be there to lend an ear and give you a hug to lift you up when you are down. Does an online friend or virtual pal fit that description? You can certainly talk to someone online or in a virtual world, but most of the chatting is done by typing words on a keyboard (using voice is now possible in most of these worlds, yet typing is still preferred). Can you really enjoy being with someone you've never met in person? Why not? I often find myself laughing at some things people write, and I actually have memories of fun things I have done with friends in Second Life, the virtual parties and dances I've attended, the incredible art and other exhibits I have viewed, the meetings and conferences I took part in.

A harder question is if you can trust someone you meet online or in a virtual world. Since these people can reveal whatever they'd like about themselves and still remain anonymous by using a pen name (whatever they call their avatars), how can one place trust in such elusive identities? And yet is meeting someone at a singles bar or even a respectable place in real life any better? Many times you just have to trust your instincts. You need to be careful, yes, but that is true in all social situations, the real as well as the virtual.

Another difficult question of whether online friends should be considered real actually concerns the real person behind the keyboard typist or avatar. Can someone you speak to on the computer actually help you in hard times? When I had some last-minute problems regarding the publication of my book, Cloudy Rainbow, I turned to an online friend to discuss the situation. Just talking about it to someone who was there to listen helped, and you'd be surprised at how little real life family members or friends really listen in that way. A virtual pal sometimes has more time and compassion for us than a distant relative or a busy friend.

Last but not least, how in the world can an online friend give a supportive hug? Well, it isn't easy but, in a virtual world, or any immersive experience, the imagination is capable of recreating physical contact. I'm not referring to any x-rated stuff that many of these virtual worlds are avoided because of. What I'm talking about is what psychologists have known for ages, that all feelings begin in the mind. Virtual hugs and handshakes are possible through imagination or animations. Not exactly the real thing, but a pretty decent substitute.

So, yes, online and virtual friendship is not only possible, it can be very rewarding. Whether or not you ever meet these people in person, they can play a very meaningful part of your real as well as virtual life.