Having Fun in the SL Sun

I recently hosted a pool party which was also a surprise real life birthday party for a friend in Second Life.

One of the reasons I rented land in SL, besides having a private place to change, was to also have a place where I could invite friends for get togethers. While these parties take a bit of planning and some work, they usually turn out well worth it because they are lots of fun. Add a nice music stream, decorations, and games for a group, and you have the makings of a good SL time. In this case, I asked a DJ friend to stream the music and my friend who happens to live across from my island to host part of it at his place where he had a great idea to do a fireworks show, too.

One of the highlights of the party aside from the swimming, dancing, bouncing on the bouncer, soaking in the hot tub, playing a beach ball game which didn't quite work but, hey, this is SL we're talking about, and watching the fireworks, most people enjoyed the Truthball game where we took turns answering questions about ourselves. Some of the answers were funny; some serious, but they were all a good way to learn about one another -- something that isn't always easy to do in chat or at regular SL meetings. One of the interesting things I noticed was how similar the answers were to the question about what brought people to SL and what keeps them here were. Almost all of us, and keep in mind we are a group of librarians, came here for professional reasons and are staying because of the friends we made here.

There really doesn't have to be a reason for a party in Second Life. Any excuse will do for a virtual good time.

Friends Never Leave You

I lost a friend last week and nearly lost another. The one who passed away was not a close friend, but I knew and admired her. The one who had a sudden emergency is one of my best friends. Both of them I met in the virtual world, Second Life. As I've written in this column before, that makes no difference to me. A friend is a friend no matter where you meet them, and when you find one, you are very lucky. It is not easy to find or keep friends in today's world with all our time limits, pressures, and other obligations. But friends are so important. They make a big difference in our lives.

Daisyblue Hefferman was a sweet and very talented lady who touched many lives. Her family knew what her virtual friends meant to her and contacted them when Daisy was taken ill with a serious stroke. When Daisy passed away, the community of librarians in Second Life mourned her with a special memorial service while her real life funeral was taking place, and many memorials were created to honor her in the place she contributed to with many innovative projects and which she loved so very much.

During the time Daisyblue was in the hospital and people were sending her get well messages and posting photos and videos of her work in Second Life to her Facebook page, Verde Otaared suffered a heart attack and had to have cardiac surgery to put stints in one of her arteries. Messages about her also appeared on Facebook. Fortunately, to everyone's relief, Verde pulled through and is currently making her recovery.

I learned a few lessons from this and also from my hospitalization last year for sudden severe asthma attacks. First, I saw the strength of the library community in Second Life, and this was far from a surprise. As someone commented during Daisy's ordeal, librarians are great people, but the librarians in Second Life are especially so. I also learned that things we take for granted such as our health and sometimes our friends, often our family, need to be our priorities in life. So many of us worry about such little things, although at the time they seem of major importance. When things like this happen, it opens your eyes. Lastly, I learned that friends never leave you even if they pass away. They stay with you as the fond memories you shared and live in your heart the rest of your life. That's the power of friendship, the miracle of the bond people can share whether it's for a short or long time, whether it's purely online, in a virtual world, or in real life. It's something you can't ever lose and something that needs to be treasured.

I was very touched when I attended Daisyblue's memorial and visited Heartsease Gardens where Daisy's plaque was added to those members of the SL library community who have also passed on. What a wonderful way to keep these friends close to us, as if they would ever leave.

A Poetic Look at Virtual Friends

I recently won second prize in the Community Virtual Library's poetry contest for my poem, "Virtual Friend" which is reprinted below. I posted the poem on Facebook and was both surprised and pleased that so many people commented about it. Hollyjean Allen felt it expressed her own feelings about her friends in Second Life so accurately that she wants to send a few of them a link to it. When I wrote it, I did have a certain SL friend in mind, but I realize that most of the sentiments are quite general and can be shared by many. I certainly believe that virtual friends can be as important to a person's support network, and sometimes even more so, than real life friends, although I also think that friends are friends, whether you meet them online or in person.

One of the lines in my poem asks, "Where do you find a friend?" Friends can be found anywhere, but there are many degrees to friendship. A person is lucky to have a close friend that they can share their ups and downs with. When we're young, we sometimes have a "best friend" that becomes almost like a brother or sister. But as we grow older, it's sometimes not as easy to form close friendships because we are involved in so many other things and have hardly the time for ourselves and our relatives, let alone a friend. It's sad that so many people go through life just having casual friendships. Whether a virtual world is the place many lonely people can find deeper friendships, I don't know. Speaking from the viewpoint of a person who is shy in real life, I do think that it is easier to strike up similarities with people online, although, of course, one must be careful. The advantage to socializing online is that the physical is not a factor, and some people may feel more comfortable revealing themselves when they are not being judged by looks or age or sex. As I also say in my poem, "Age doesn't matter, sex doesn't matter, and distance matters even less." Isn't it a great thing that people from all over the world can meet and interact via the Internet?

The photo on this blog is from a recent get together at my new SL house with a few of my virtual friends.

Here's the poem.

Virtual Friend

We met in a virtual world
a place created from fantasy
yet the friendship we formed was based on truth and reality
I can't fully grasp all that you've come to mean to me
I can tell you things that I can share with no other
I have no fear that you will hurt me, and you know your confidences are safe with me
You see me clearer than those who see me every day
even though you've never laid eyes on me
You touch me deeper than those who are always by my side
even though you've never laid a hand on me
Your support strengthens and encourages me
I am glad to share your sorrow,
You can heal my pain
just by listening.
And when we laugh together, it's at the same jokes
the ones written in the same books
but we read them from miles apart, worlds apart, and yet they are so close
as close as we are virtually.

Where does one find a friend? Not just an acquaintance but someone true, someone honest like you?
Age doesn’t matter, sex doesn’t matter
and distance matters even less
I guess
we never would've met years ago
before technology gave us a way
Today
there are so many ways to stay in touch online
You're always there for me
and I am thankful I found you along the path
It's a lonely walk otherwise
And when we walk it together, it's the same path
the one we follow that leads the same way
but we walk it from miles apart, worlds apart, and yet we are so close virtually.

Online Friends and Virtual Pals

I know there's a lot of concern in the world today about the affect computers are having on society, how reliant we are becoming on them, how they are affecting our socialization skills, especially those of younger people who have over the years gone from interacting with others in group activities such as sports and clubs to spending more time in front of computer screens emailing, chatting, and social networking with people who are often strangers. I know there are dangers involved, but being of a slightly older generation (35+), I never thought I'd become so hooked myself or find that I could develop real online friendships. Or are they real? What is the definition of friendship? Can you be a friend to someone you have never seen? Is it possible that type of friendship could even be deeper than that with friends you see every day?

To answer these questions, I reflected on my own experience. As a librarian, I've been a member of online mailing list groups for a long time where I was able to discuss some of my interests in books, cats, and parenting. But two years ago, I ventured out into another online experience. I joined Second Life, a virtual world where not only could I talk to people, but I could see them, or at least the 3D graphical represenation of themselves that they call avatars. Even more fun, I could create an avatar of myself, dress her like a Barbie doll, name her, and even have her dance to the best steps that I haven't even mastered. I have to admit I was skeptical at first and quite confused. There is a much more difficult learning curve involved in participating in a virtual world versus joining a yahoo or Google group. After two years, I still can't build anything, but I am starting to arrange the furniture in my house better than I had when I first joined. I still have problems keeping up with multitasking my private IM's with open chat, but I'm also improving there.

It's strange for me to realize that I've made more online friends during my time in Second Life than I have in real life. Is that sad? I don't really think so. What does it say about me? I've always been a bit of a loner, shy and somewhat introverted. Throughout my life, reading and writing have been my favorite pasttimes, and you know they are rather solitary occupations. So maybe that's why a virtual world appeals to me. And yet, Second Life is anything but solitary. In fact, if it were solitary, you would be bored out of your mind. The whole idea is to mingle there, find something to do, and have fun. But it can be more than that if you want it to be. It can be a place to develop real friends.

When I joined Second Life, I was lucky in that I found out about a community of librarians who had started up a great group -- what was then Second Life Library 2.0 and is now the Alliance Virtual Library. Through this group, I became involved in writing about their news, events, and happenings (yes there are virtual newspapers and magazines and most of them are online, too). I opened up my own pet memorial center after my beloved cat, Floppy, died. People actually helped me build and design it. After some time, I heard about a library magazine that was just getting off the ground and decided to join its efforts. I have been working for them for a year and am now the publisher of RezLibris http://rezlibris.com/ I oversee a staff of ten, and I consider many of them my friends. We are all in touch practically daily through email or chat and meet in Second Life occasionally, too. Two of them gave me a hand when I had to relocate my virtual home, helping me set out furnishings and landscaping. One helped me create and maintains my real life website: http://www.debbiedelouise.com.

So getting back to my question about what constitutes a real friend. The definition of a friend to me is someone you can talk to, someone you enjoy being with, and someone who you know you can trust and who will help see you through the hard times, who will be there to lend an ear and give you a hug to lift you up when you are down. Does an online friend or virtual pal fit that description? You can certainly talk to someone online or in a virtual world, but most of the chatting is done by typing words on a keyboard (using voice is now possible in most of these worlds, yet typing is still preferred). Can you really enjoy being with someone you've never met in person? Why not? I often find myself laughing at some things people write, and I actually have memories of fun things I have done with friends in Second Life, the virtual parties and dances I've attended, the incredible art and other exhibits I have viewed, the meetings and conferences I took part in.

A harder question is if you can trust someone you meet online or in a virtual world. Since these people can reveal whatever they'd like about themselves and still remain anonymous by using a pen name (whatever they call their avatars), how can one place trust in such elusive identities? And yet is meeting someone at a singles bar or even a respectable place in real life any better? Many times you just have to trust your instincts. You need to be careful, yes, but that is true in all social situations, the real as well as the virtual.

Another difficult question of whether online friends should be considered real actually concerns the real person behind the keyboard typist or avatar. Can someone you speak to on the computer actually help you in hard times? When I had some last-minute problems regarding the publication of my book, Cloudy Rainbow, I turned to an online friend to discuss the situation. Just talking about it to someone who was there to listen helped, and you'd be surprised at how little real life family members or friends really listen in that way. A virtual pal sometimes has more time and compassion for us than a distant relative or a busy friend.

Last but not least, how in the world can an online friend give a supportive hug? Well, it isn't easy but, in a virtual world, or any immersive experience, the imagination is capable of recreating physical contact. I'm not referring to any x-rated stuff that many of these virtual worlds are avoided because of. What I'm talking about is what psychologists have known for ages, that all feelings begin in the mind. Virtual hugs and handshakes are possible through imagination or animations. Not exactly the real thing, but a pretty decent substitute.

So, yes, online and virtual friendship is not only possible, it can be very rewarding. Whether or not you ever meet these people in person, they can play a very meaningful part of your real as well as virtual life.